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I am a bad American

John GaverThe following is my own plagiarized version of a commentary that is often incorrectly attributed to either George Carlin, Andy Rooney or Ted Nugent. None of them ever said or wrote anything like this. It has been around the net for a long time. I don't have any idea where it originally came from, but it's worth a read.


To liberals everywhere:

I Am Your Worst Nightmare.  By your definition, I am a BAD American.  I am John Gaver.

I believe that the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over, who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I believe that the UN has become a massive anti-American organization and the United States has no business being involved with them in any manner, including providing them a home.

I believe that no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I believe that the Second Amendment means exactly what it says and that every person is ultimately responsible for his or her own self defense - with a gun if necessary.

I don't buy products that say "Made in China".

I don't think that being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for my opinions or actions that may be unpopular with others.

I don't assume that you are a terrorist just because you wear a towel on your head.  I just think that if you're not a terrorist and wear a towel on your head in the United States, you're not too damn bright.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.  In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't even begun to be enlightened near as much as the guy at Blockbuster.

I think that the IRS, the DEA, the NEA (both of them) and the HEW should be abolished.

I think that diversity is nothing more than a fraud perpetuated by poverty pimps, to force companies to hire people who either can't or won't do an honest day's work.

I believe that everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it.

I think that if you want to have a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex, that's your business. Just don't try to tell others that it's normal or an alternative lifestyle. It's a disease. Instead of trying to legislate homosexuality, we should be trying to cure it.

My heroes are Charlton Heston, John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, Cartman, and whoever canceled Dallas.

I don't hate the rich.  I don't pity the poor.

I believe that the "War on Drugs" is nothing more than an excuse for the government to subvert the Constitution and Bill of Rights. The same applies to the "Patriot Act".

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I know that global warming is a big lie.  Where were all those experts, when I was freezing my ass off last winter?

I think that the only way that we can ever honor our military men and women enough is to make sure that they have the best equipment and training possible, regardless of what it costs and then don't insult them by calling them peace keepers.  They're soldiers.  Their job is to kill people and break things, so the rest of us don't have to and when called upon to do so, they are the best in the world.  We owe them a great debt of gratitude.

You don't have to like the fact that I drive a Suburban.  Just keep your Yugo out of my way.

I've never owned a slave, nor was a slave.  I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt.  I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut the #$&% up already.

I think that Bill Clinton and George W. Bush should both spend the rest of their lives in jail.  As far as that goes, so should most of both houses of Congress and a goodly portion of the judiciary.

I think that domestic ferrets are the neatest pets there are (even if the California Assembly believes otherwise).

I want to know which church is it, exactly, where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches.  And where does he get his money.  And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I think that if guns were responsible for Columbine, then spoons are responsible for Rosie O'Donnell being fat.

I know that we don't need any coalition to take out some nothing of a Middle-Eastern country and if other Arab countries don't like what we're doing, we even have enough to go around.

I think that chocolate could quite possibly be the perfect food and tofu is the exact opposite.

I think that if I want to clear my land, neither the government nor a bunch of envirowackos should have any say-so in the matter, even if it is the home of an endangered mosquito.

I believe that if you don't want your daughter getting an abortion, you should spend more time teaching her about birth control and less time trying to get the government to stop her after she gets pregnant.  Perhaps if you spent more time with her, she would learn to say "no."

I think that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents (one male and one female).

I think that the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them, after they yell stop.  I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.  If you don't want to be stopped, then don't act like a criminal.

I think that if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, then you're to damn stupid to be deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

It's my cell phone and I'll talk on it wherever I please.

I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap, smear my windshield or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.  These people should be targets.

I think that if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think that tips are not a requirement, but a recognition of good service.  If I don't leave you a tip, it's because your service sucked.

I think that tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are art or a political statement.

I think that Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I think that Barbra Streisand should stick to singing.  It's the only time that she opens her mouth that she doesn't make a fool of herself.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

I believe that if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you.  This even applies when you are President of the United States.

If all that makes me a BAD American, then I guess that I am a BAD American and I'm damn proud of it.

And, oh yes.  I VOTE!

If you too are a BAD American, then please share this with another BAD American.  We need our country back!



Would you like to have John Gaver speak at your meeting or public function?